You people are fucking hilarious. To wit: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1031062reno1.html
A very serious removal from reality. Yes? Yes. If I get all craaazy drunk tomorrow, is it cool if I have my six-year-old niece drive for me? She's smart. Crazy smart! Smart enough to be my new driver.
This guy set precedent by using his seven-year-old boy as a designated driver. Child endangerment? My ass! That child is learning valuable lessons. Like how to drive his drunk father-- or any fucking person you could relate to this sense of abandonment of the self-- around. This boy probably did a better job! Did he have the proper training? Children should learn to drive cars-- tie ties, pour martinis, and discuss anything. Seriously! If only we could achieve this minimal goal without the repurcussions of ill-doing (or ill-seeming, in any event). Alas. It is not to be. Here's to you, good son.
Terrific,
The D.L.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Dear alleged Case student,
What were you really doing at the airport? I guess it's possible that you were visiting family in Missouri (though you originally said you were from Eureka), but your eyes had the flash of a liar, or a story-changer at the very least. You were speeding along crazily on something--smoking cigarette after cigarette, deflecting questions from the people outside wondering what you were still doing there-- just careening from topic to topic. Drunk RTA drivers toe a straighter line. I wanted to tell the concerned looking older couple that you were just tripping your fucking ass off (with some methamphetamines to boot), but they seemed a bit delicate.
Here are a few of the more interesting topics and assessments lit upon during our brief, yet dense, conversation(?) :
-You finally reconciled with your parents (alright!)
-You are in your third year at CWRU, but must leave, soon, to go to North Carolina. It is calling you.
-You believe in god, not necessarily as we (sic) understand god, but you lean toward a monotheistic belief system
-You are quick to revise your opinions when faced with logic and/or other opinions (see above)
-You are quick to revise your opinions when faced with the brute force of a chemical rush
-You wanted a ride to Case, and though you were told it was not going to happen, you kept asking. Perseverance! A fine quality
-You left home at fifteen. Wait-- at seventeen. Um, no--wait-- at fifteen
-You love root vegetables
-You have an idea that will help people compartmentalize and move their information around more easily. You will also assist in the procuring of more information!
-You just want to talk to people
Look here, crazy pants-- I like talking to people too. Even mentally affected people. I just think you need to relax. You're young. Back off of the hard stuff. You are asking for a world of pain. I know, you probably think you're running from it, but there is always more to come, dude. You gotta be careful.
Good Luck,
The D.L.
Here are a few of the more interesting topics and assessments lit upon during our brief, yet dense, conversation(?) :
-You finally reconciled with your parents (alright!)
-You are in your third year at CWRU, but must leave, soon, to go to North Carolina. It is calling you.
-You believe in god, not necessarily as we (sic) understand god, but you lean toward a monotheistic belief system
-You are quick to revise your opinions when faced with logic and/or other opinions (see above)
-You are quick to revise your opinions when faced with the brute force of a chemical rush
-You wanted a ride to Case, and though you were told it was not going to happen, you kept asking. Perseverance! A fine quality
-You left home at fifteen. Wait-- at seventeen. Um, no--wait-- at fifteen
-You love root vegetables
-You have an idea that will help people compartmentalize and move their information around more easily. You will also assist in the procuring of more information!
-You just want to talk to people
Look here, crazy pants-- I like talking to people too. Even mentally affected people. I just think you need to relax. You're young. Back off of the hard stuff. You are asking for a world of pain. I know, you probably think you're running from it, but there is always more to come, dude. You gotta be careful.
Good Luck,
The D.L.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Dear Daily Letter,
What is going on with you? Have you no motivation? Do you neglect to bring your laptop with you when you travel? Does depression carve a hollow in your stomach that you have no idea how to fill so you just sit there waiting for something to come along and fill it? You really should get some sort of system working. A program. A goal. Never mind that goals are just a longer, more dorky way to stave off the hollow-- do it, person!
The esteemed Dr. Von Drinkensnorten rightly assesses you as somewhat fictional through the use of quotation marks surrounding the word 'daily'. I don't expect you to actually write every single day, but let's make an effort, shall we? You are probably totally mad that i just said 'we.' It's context-appropriate! When I say 'we' I really mean 'you', which really means 'we.' It's a limited time offer!
I feel you, dude. It's fun to sit around relishing your unmitigated gall, but isn't it time to shine on, you crazy diamond? It really is. I'm fucking bored.
Lustily,
The D.L.
The esteemed Dr. Von Drinkensnorten rightly assesses you as somewhat fictional through the use of quotation marks surrounding the word 'daily'. I don't expect you to actually write every single day, but let's make an effort, shall we? You are probably totally mad that i just said 'we.' It's context-appropriate! When I say 'we' I really mean 'you', which really means 'we.' It's a limited time offer!
I feel you, dude. It's fun to sit around relishing your unmitigated gall, but isn't it time to shine on, you crazy diamond? It really is. I'm fucking bored.
Lustily,
The D.L.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Dear James Lipton,
Listen, man-- I know you're the standard-bearer of pretention in the world of artifice and truth that is the dramatic arts, but will you please, for the love of Brando or something-- stop saying 'The Bard.' Every time you pull it out in an interview it's like you suddenly took off all of your clothes and started reciting french poetry.
Have you ever read any Roz Chast comics? You are the man who was liked for his lack-of-lack-of-pretention. Don't get me wrong, James Lipton, I loves me some pretention. I can be downright apalling when talking some shit, or ordering some wine, but it's too much. Honestly. Most of yours is awesome. Completely refreshing in a world where many people seem loath to celebrate even minor cerebral activity, but 'The Bard?' The pain, James Lipton, the pain.
It's just that 'Shakespeare' sounds so much better, and doesn't infer that you had an intimate relationship at some point. I once had a dream wherein Shakespeare and I flew, superman-style, around the world and hung out with various historical figures, and he never once referred to himself as The Bard, nor did any of his contemporaries in death and the arts. Sure, my dreams are not reliable reference material, but still.
Hopefully next time you will be in my dream. We can all hang out in some sweltering exotic locale wearing tunics like we should, and brouter la salade. We will talk some shit! Until then, I beg you-- no more, James Lipton. No more.
Fondly,
The D.L.
Have you ever read any Roz Chast comics? You are the man who was liked for his lack-of-lack-of-pretention. Don't get me wrong, James Lipton, I loves me some pretention. I can be downright apalling when talking some shit, or ordering some wine, but it's too much. Honestly. Most of yours is awesome. Completely refreshing in a world where many people seem loath to celebrate even minor cerebral activity, but 'The Bard?' The pain, James Lipton, the pain.
It's just that 'Shakespeare' sounds so much better, and doesn't infer that you had an intimate relationship at some point. I once had a dream wherein Shakespeare and I flew, superman-style, around the world and hung out with various historical figures, and he never once referred to himself as The Bard, nor did any of his contemporaries in death and the arts. Sure, my dreams are not reliable reference material, but still.
Hopefully next time you will be in my dream. We can all hang out in some sweltering exotic locale wearing tunics like we should, and brouter la salade. We will talk some shit! Until then, I beg you-- no more, James Lipton. No more.
Fondly,
The D.L.
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