Dear Robert Mugabe,

Some time ago my friend Chris and I considered who stayed in the suites at the Hay-Adams with a direct view of the White House. It was one of the '...things you would do if you are the louche head-of-state to a collapsing nation.' It was of you I was thinking.

Not only you, of course, but your situation is extremely serious, Mr. Mugabe. However, pretty much the thing that appeals to me least is leading a nation, so I try to comprehend the enormous responsibility and concomitant misrepresentation such a position would naturally involve. The thing is, I can never get past the blind-in-one-eye part of louche, metaphorically speaking. Are you turning a blind eye? Is it that you are no longer able to attach yourself to your own actions? It's something we all struggle with, though usually minus the dramatic scale and devastating repercussions. Ours is a slow death. You should, if your crazy ass is capable, think about what has happened in your Zimbabwe.

Forced property seizures. Food shortages. Fuel shortages. Rampant political repression. Hundreds of thousands of people emigrating. Political assassinations. Economic collapse. I'm pretty sure what is the world's highest inflation rate. It was one thousand or so percent, now it's four thousand, and expected to hit one million percent in less than a year. You are completely insane. Destroyed slums. Mostly state-run news and broadcasts. Torture. Intolerance. Shopping sprees.

You were jailed a decade for 'subversive speech' (Though you managed to arrange for that coup on Sithole). Ugh! How could you be that which you fought against? Like our own John McCain-- forgetting his own words, his own life, and sanctioning torture-- fuck the Geneva Conventions! Practice makes perfect, everyone! Act as if! You can do it.

Dude, let it go. Sally. Grace? Come on! You've had long enough. I'm not sure if I could do anything daily for thirty years, and there are some things you shouldn't even try. Alas.

You've already alienated most of the acting-as-if world, and yet you've managed to also alienate the Commonwealth of Nations, intending to come to your aid. I can literally only imagine what it must be to band as nations because of shared colonialist periods, but it is harder to imagine giving up my own fight, or becoming the willful oppressor. Honestly, I don't know how you do it-- it's bad enough indirectly! Congratulations on becoming the new colonizer. Noble!

Resign Immediately,
The D.L.