Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Dear China,

What the fuck, China?

TIGER FARMS?


Is there no end to this barbarous world's attempts to snuff out the tiny lights that remain (pulsing weakly) in our souls?

For the love of all that is still good DO NOT lift that ban on domestic trade in tiger goods. And don't even start with the '... but it could help the wild population' bullshit. It is completely crazy that there are tigers in farms right now --and bear farms, alligators, etc.-- because we are so attached to our own cultural traditions that we (still!) just don't mind committing outrageous acts of cruel oppression to foster them. We are all guilty of that. Can't we just agree to keep the good stuff we trade-- the art, the food, beautiful customs, awesome dances, outfits, philosophies, terrible pop music-- and leave off the part where we kill each other for differences in personal beliefs and FARM TIGERS?!

It's like you want to ruin us at our very core, tiger farmers. You will not ruin every one. Not ever. We need what is wild in our world. What makes us feel the earth deep inside of us, and that everything moves to a common rythm. That is the real wildness, that which is the most unaffectedly common in the purity of it's tone. I'm going to continue in this pretentious vein and add that it is NO COINCIDENCE that Blake's famous poem is 'The Tyger', and not a more issue-laden creature.  Anyway, you make me cry.

Now go look at some pictures of tigers, and think about what you're doing.

Angrily,
The D.L.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Dear comments@whitehouse.gov,

You should seriously consider changing your automated response once in a while. Just for fun, you know?

Late!,
The D.L.

Dear Pottery Barn Kids,

I admit surprise upon finding your catalog with my mail delivery. Perhaps you found my address deep in the brackish waters of the Williams-Sonoma summer catalog mailing, dreams of clambakes and lobster rolls nestled among its many pages, but you should leave the unwilling alone.

Furious at your gall (What if I couldn't have children? What if they antagonized me?), I called your 800 number, and the most delightful woman answered. I lost my fight. I was being bratty. She made right what you made wrong.  She sympathized like an oma who adores you.

Also, does Abby really need that giant bathroom? I guess she does. Do Erica and Logan need that cabana? With lockers? It freaks me out, PBK. It makes me feel gross and indulgent, which I guess I am by many standards. I have bathrooms! I have no time for extra existential crises, PBK! I will fight you back, crises! Como Mac Dre, I switch hit, and play with both mitts (Rest in thizz, Furl). Do not start!

We're square. I have to eat something.

H.A.L.T.,
The D.L.