Dear Jay-Z,

It's cool that your pordo, it's cool that your gordo; it's cool that you use a g4 like an auto-- You are free to be any and everything you want. The thing is, I know you're all BFF with LeBron James, and I just need to say it to you-- if you are trying to lull him into some state of willful reflection-- if you are trying to get him to leave Cleveland and play for the Nets, you are out of your mind.

You have some nice pull. Persistent celebrity, enough tenure with your money that you could certainly be of help in the financial planning arena, and of course a certain elan. I'm sure you really like each other and all that shiny stuff, but he must look like the most delicious piece of fruit on a sort-of weathered tree, and you just want to pluck him! LeBron seems like a very solid man. He is extremely self-possessed (maybe not the nail/cuticle-biting, but it's endearing! Isn't it?). Here's the thing. You are still Jay-Z. He probably looks up to you, but mutual admiration aside-- we need him. You will crush our careworn, wasted little hearts. You know how it goes. This shit is storybook. He is from here, and he stayed here. He played high school ball in an area most Clevelanders avoid. Most people avoid Cleveland, so imagine what it means to avoid its' southerly cities. I know New Jersey understands our pain!

He's not yours. He's not ours. But can't we keep him just a bit longer?

Not that you have no say in this, LeBron James. Just being proactive. Sorry.

Sincerely,
The D.L.

Dear Vladimir Putin,

I'm honestly not sure what to say to you, mostly because you scare the shit out of me. How about this-- will you please stop poisoning people? It's bad enough that here in the U.S. we have to deal with all the crap we've already got going on. Here's something to think about about: you don't have to kill people who disagree with you. Honestly! It's not that bad! I know that each of us would be more comfortable living in a world that limited itself to our goals and ideals, but you can't just poison every motherfucker that writes (or is writing) a book about your differing views and/or political/social/ethical positions. This is by no means an exculpatory moral effort on my part. I know we hurt people. I know we kill them. I just really don't want the added grief of another twenty years of some bullshit cold war (Yeah).

Haven't you realized that the fringes of your old empire are lost? Haven't you realized that you can't win these wars any more than we can win ours? I know the Chechens appear to be all Nokhchi-power to you, but haven't you realized that people move? They live everywhere-- it's a small world, after all-- and no amount of military haste is going to change that. The best we can all do is get our Jack Bauer on, and monitor the chatter. You feel me? There are too many friends folded into the cloaks of our enemies to relegate those enemies into a definitive target. We are in a new world. A globe-trotting, arms-buying, genocidal world. If you identify a real threat--if we do-- off we all go, but no amount of globally-perceived bullying is going to help you.

Step up to the plate, man. Get your perestroika on! Leave your boundaries where you said you would, in 1996, dude. Things change, but they also don't change, and if the sheep's cheese really starts to stink, you won't be all alone in your Kremlin.

Ugh!,
The D.L.

Dear Nancy Pelosi,

I guess you never received my letter. My optimism (a strong-willed remnant of my youthful projections) hoped that things would have started off on different, less arbitrary footing. Please don't squander the rest of your voter-bought time.

The D.L.