Dear Jay-Z,

It's cool that your pordo, it's cool that your gordo; it's cool that you use a g4 like an auto-- You are free to be any and everything you want. The thing is, I know you're all BFF with LeBron James, and I just need to say it to you-- if you are trying to lull him into some state of willful reflection-- if you are trying to get him to leave Cleveland and play for the Nets, you are out of your mind.

You have some nice pull. Persistent celebrity, enough tenure with your money that you could certainly be of help in the financial planning arena, and of course a certain elan. I'm sure you really like each other and all that shiny stuff, but he must look like the most delicious piece of fruit on a sort-of weathered tree, and you just want to pluck him! LeBron seems like a very solid man. He is extremely self-possessed (maybe not the nail/cuticle-biting, but it's endearing! Isn't it?). Here's the thing. You are still Jay-Z. He probably looks up to you, but mutual admiration aside-- we need him. You will crush our careworn, wasted little hearts. You know how it goes. This shit is storybook. He is from here, and he stayed here. He played high school ball in an area most Clevelanders avoid. Most people avoid Cleveland, so imagine what it means to avoid its' southerly cities. I know New Jersey understands our pain!

He's not yours. He's not ours. But can't we keep him just a bit longer?

Not that you have no say in this, LeBron James. Just being proactive. Sorry.

Sincerely,
The D.L.